Writing Sample
Revealing
overcrowding and preventable accidents
Statistics clearly state that preventable accidents
occur every day in the United States leading to deaths and trips to the
emergency room. Overcrowding in
emergency rooms all over the country leads to thousands of deaths each year
that could be prevented. According to the
national association of doctors, over 1000 people die each year due to
preventable accidents, and overcrowding in emergency rooms. Over 800 million
dollars is spent each year on accidents that should have never happened in the
first place.
The National Association of Trauma Specialists (NATS)
is now issuing first aid books to help educate people on how to treat accidents
and offer preventative measures on how to stop them from happening in the first
place. Pinpointing common trending preventable accidents will help reduce the
amount of accidents year to year, as well as reducing overcrowding in emergency
rooms. This booklet will help save lives each year cause by accidents by
educating people.
However, everyone should be aware of the risks that
they face if they do not educate themselves on preventable accidents. What are
preventable accidents, and how can you limit your own personal risk of these
accidents.
What
is a preventable accident?
A preventable accident is an accident that with the
right awareness and education could be easily avoided. Preventable accidents
are a leading cause of overcrowding in emergency rooms in the United States.
Preventable accidents include people in automobile
accidents who do not where there seat belt people who do not where helmets in
activities that require helmets (skiing, snowboarding, biking, etc.), people
not reading the manuals on household appliances and are unaware of how
dangerous they can be, etc. Basically, a
preventable accident is any accident that should not occur and can easily be
avoided.
Preventable accidents overcrowd emergency rooms and
increase the risk of deaths in emergency rooms as a result. Americans on
average are at a higher risk of preventable accidents by 200% than they are of
having a heart attack.
This is an interesting topic. I wish you had explained and expanded more in sections. I don't know what you had to do this for but I think if certain sections were expanded and more detail was put into it than the readers may have been more engaged. I felt like I was reading a redundant piece because the definition kept being repeated. However, after just re-reading it, I realize it was not redundant but that is not how you want a reader to feel. If it had been a bit longer I am unsure if I would have been engaged to read further. Also, I know that I am not the best at grammar but we could all use to double and triple check some sentences just to increase the flow.
ReplyDeleteOverall, it was an interesting topic.
Definitely an uncommon topic. My only criticism is that there wasn't a clear call to action. We can easily assume that we need to be more careful to avoid preventable accidents, but it would be better if it were plain as day. But the problem was very clear and caught my interest. The stats were great.
ReplyDeleteI also agree that this is an interesting top, one that I didn't know very much about. I think switching the bottom paragraph and the top paragraph would be more fluid. Adding specific example of top accidents that occur and how someone can prevent would be powerful, for example, "The most common preventable accident is wearing a seatbelt, but 58% of people don't." Those statistics are not true, but just an example of how using a old statement can bring and hook a reader in.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous commenters. This is a very interesting topic and a very important one.
ReplyDeleteSpecific examples or facts could bring the reader closer to the topic and possibly hit the message home. Possibly an anecdotal story or a quote from someone who works in an emergency room or a first responder could give a bit more depth. Still, I think it is a very important topic that more people should be aware of.
Nice comments from everyone. I’ll add one thing. Some of this seems like quoted material, but I don’t see any citations/sources etc. Always give credit where it’s due. The smaller formatted text in the second half of the piece is also missing words. It doesn’t read as well as the rest of the piece.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting.